Being Sasquatch

For those of you unfamiliar with the story, a man in Montana was horrifically manslaughtered this week while attempting a Bigfoot hoax. And while it is always a tragedy when another human being loses his life, this post is, unfortunately, dedicated to him.

Being who I am, I have often considered attempting some sort of Sasquatch hoax of my own. It would be a thrill to pull off; going into the woods wearing nothing but six pounds of fake hair, jumping in front of strangers just hoping they have a camera, but not a gun. There always seems to be little details in the way, however.

The first thing you have to consider is location. According to field data collected from various websites, Montana is the 14th least-Bigfootinest state in the U.S. with 31 sightings, a number that ties it with Maryland. Maryland. Who has ever heard of "The Ape Man of Maryland"? No one, because sightings are so uncommon in the state that no one really considers it a Sasquatch state. It's the same with Montana. It has both too few sightings to be a "hot spot" with it's own "Squatch-hunter" (ugh) community, and too many for it to be a particularly newsworthy event. Had he gone either east or west, to Idaho or North Dakota, he would have been much better off. Idaho has more than twice as many Bigfoot sightings and a thriving community of strange people, while North Dakota, called "Canada's tiny goatee" by some, has had only six reported sightings. And, from what I hear, friendlier drivers (I am so sorry).
Living in Texas would be a big problem for me as a Sasquatchical hoaxist, as everyone here has a gun and a hatred for things that shouldn't be. I've thought long and hard and I've decided that I don't have the budget for both a recklessly expensive ape-man costume and a flak jacket. And since New Mexico, Arkansas, and Louisiana don't have many more sightings than Montana, and Oklahoma sucks, the only option I really have left is to drive to California. It's the #2 Sasquatch state, under Washington, and I doubt I'll get shot there unless I sell drugs on MS13 turf. Which probably won't happen.

Another thing you have to worry about is the costume itself. Late Mr. Tenley thought his hoax would be believable with just a Ghillie suit, which is the suit pictured above. It is used by hunters and military snipers to blend into wooded areas. They work very, very well as camouflage. Obviously too well. Mr. Tenley was run over not once, but twice. One can deduce that he was so well-camouflaged, he blended in with the road itself, like a mossy patch in the road, or a dead bear. A bear that is so dead, you can't help but run it over. It shares only a vague resemblance to an ape-man. If anything, if I were to see a man in a Ghillie suit cross the road I would think to myself "What is that hunter doing crossing the road in the middle of the night"  or "Gasp! It's Leafman, come to take Mother Earth's revenge on those who interfere with the balance of nature!" This was a fatal flaw in Mr. Tenley's plan (Oh geez I am so sorry). A realistic costume is a must.
That being said, I can understand why he didn't spring for a real suit. Like I mentioned above, a good one can be expensive. They range from around $80 to as high as $400, and there are a few quality ones that go even higher. For a hunting man, as Tenley most certainly was, the Ghillie suit is a good alternative because you get multiple uses out of it. Good luck trying to get any animal to come near you in a big brown gorilla costume. Let me tell you something. The reason there are so few Sasquatch in the world is because God hates them.
I have considered making my own costume, of course, and I've even found a few good tutorials on making hairy scary monster gear, but with my tendency to measure once, cut once, ruin everything, and give up, it looks like I'll have to dish out some cash for a good costume, or settle for something really shoddy.

Ohh NOOOOOoooo

The final problem I have with the hoax is the distribution. Mister Tenley relied on passer-byes to spread the word, which worked out poorly. You can't rely on some random strangers to report a sighting or not run you over. You need someone close, someone you can trust, and someone that will keep a secret. That is the most important part. The co-conspirators in the infamous Patterson Film held their silence for 30 years and by then it was too late for the hysteria caused by the film to ever be taken back. That is what you need. People that won't break down until they're old and feeble and crushed by the heavy burden of their terrible, terrible secret.
This is always a difficult decision I have to make while I'm planning out hoaxes. Do I go with the tried and true method and have my friends take the footage? Or do I allow myself the carnal bliss of scaring the poo out of complete strangers? Both hold potential dangers. I could get sold out, or run over by a car. Danger lurks everywhere for a hoaxer. But it is rewarding, oh God knows it's rewarding.

Oh no! You'll scuff your loafers!